My Child of Rape

I sympathize with this girl. [link]

I was raped by my stepfather for three and a half years of my life. From my 12th birthday to a terrible Christmas Eve, my life was an absolute hell that I will never describe fully to anyone. Sometime near the end of this, I became pregnant. Despite his insistence to get an abortion (going so far as to take me to the clinic), I chose to keep the child. He came up with a cover story, and made me go along with it.

Most of my decisions during the next few years probably have not made sense to many of the people around me, including this "cover up". They don't understand that I did a lot of research while I was pregnant. They don't know the position I felt I was in.

I had researched the laws of the state I live in as thoroughly as I could. I could not find a single law that would restrict a rapist or child molester from asserting parental rights of a child born of rape. I did find a lot of material that ensured a biological father's rights to their offspring, though. This was a debilitating blow in and of itself. If I came out and reported what he had done, there was a chance he could fight for custody of my child. I was a minor with no job and no place to go. I was unsure as to how my mother would respond. I had seen a few girls in similar situations whose mothers had defended their abusers, even attacked their credibility. In some cases, their whole families had turned against them. I loved my family; this was a great fear of mine. He knew that. He used this against me from the very beginning of everything.

So, I felt trapped. Even after I turned 18, I was stuck in the same residence with him, locked up by fears of losing everything I held dear and fear for the safety of my younger siblings. I loved my child. I loved being a mother. I also loved my younger siblings and felt as protective of them as I did my own child. This is what broke my silence. I was terrified that he was about to start another cycle of molestation, this time with one of my siblings. I couldn't let that happen.

And so, I came out with the truth. They say that "the Truth will set you free". Well, sometimes it takes much longer to find that freedom than you might anticipate. What followed was the most tumultuous two years of my life. The services meant to investigate and protect children and women in situations like this failed miserably. For a long time, it felt like I really had lost my family. My mother had even come to me at one point and said that she "wanted to believe me, but she had to support her  husband".

However, it did end with charges being filed, a paternity test, and my abuser finally behind bars. Relationships with my family, although strained, began to mend. I had met my husband during this time, and he wished to adopt my child.

This is when I found out that my research had been correct and that my fears were justified. Despite being prosecuted for child molestation, despite the records showing that my child was a result of rape, he still had parental rights. I had to go through court to revoke his rights so that my husband could adopt my child. I could never explain what it is like to have to face down a rapist, my own stepfather, in court to have his parental rights revoked. I was terrified. This man who molested me, even though he was in prison, still had power over my child and me. What if he had his family come up and fight for my child in his stead? As manipulative as he was, what if he could turn it around and have my rights revoked? Or what if this process simply failed and my husband could not adopt my child? Would my stepfather be able to come take my child after his sentence was over?

Until the very moment when the judge told my husband and me that my child was officially my husband's child, I was scared. At that moment, all of my fears fell away, evaporated. I felt the tight grasp of my stepfather's power disappear. I felt free.

I hope that H.T. can find the same sort of closure. Rapists should not have parental rights-- ever. Victims should not have to fight these criminals over rights criminals should not have. Laws need to change to protect the victims. Laws need to recognize that children born of rape are indirect victims of rape and protect them as well.